The Emotional illiteracy Crisis

Last weekend, I finally gave in to the hype around Netflix’s Adolescence and dove into all 4 episodes of a painfully slow yet powerful show.

While it left the viewer itching for more details, such as- what drove the murderer, what his equation with the victim was and the series of events or triggers that led a 13 year old boy to repeatedly stab his classmate (spoiler alert!), the show actually highlights a deeper underlying truth that is often swept under the carpet:

The large majority of society, particularly growing boys, have no idea how to deal with emotions.

In a nutshell, Jamie Miller’s story illustrates the result of being conditioned by unhealthy definitions of masculinity that involve sucking it up, shoving your emotions away and camolgaging hurt or shame with agression- all in the name of being brave and bold.

If you think about it, the unspoken code develops early. Age 9, kind of early. Little humans feel embarrassed easily, desperate to look their best at all times, and sometimes even go as far as bullying each other to climb some sort of imaginary ladder.

It’s always baffled me to think where these patterns even emerge from, but I suppose, knowing what I do now, a large part of this is to do with a total lack of Emotional intelligence i.e, kids not being taught how to manage the one thing that will get them through all of life- their emotions.

For whatever reason, the very aspect that defines the human experience is often judged. We penalise ourselves for feeling anything less than happiness or joy.

It’s even harder for men- sadness, vulnerability, sensitivity….all seen as weakness. Meanwhile, the arrogant, loud alpha somehow still gets applause.

I’d be lying if I said I’ve never judged a man for showing his vulnerable side or tearing up easily, wondering why he hasn’t got it together.

The conditioning runs too deep.

(Full episode here)

But something’s gotta give- because men of all ages are struggling. Now more than ever.

The pressures to be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally closed off, while dealing with isolation combined with the negative comparison and inadequacy fueled by social media, are taking their toll.

In all honesty, we are creating problems that don’t need to exist.

Life already throws enough at us. We don’t need to pile on more pressure by pretending we’ve all got it figured out, pushing emotions under the rug; and we certainly don’t need to put up a strong face when we’re feeling the falling apart inside, or expect men to do so, for that matter.

The foundation of this work may need to be set early, but it’s never too late.

The next time you feel a wave of intense emotion, experience it for what it is and let it out.

When you drop the casual “how are you” and someone hits you back with the classic ‘I’m Good’, care to pause and ask what’s really going on.

And in the context of men- create the space for your son, cousin, friend or partner to express their fears or worries without judging them.

Ironic as it may sound, true strength isn’t about toughing it out. It’s about being able to feel, process and express what’s going on inside.

Ready to explore this for yourself? Start your journey of emotional mastery with this workbook.

In case you missed me last week

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